Size: 40F, 100cm × 81cm, 39” x 32”
Media: Brush, Oil paint on Canvas
Date: April 6, 1976
Where: Painted at Fayence, France
Signature: “christine benson”
Currently: Unknown
Quo Vadis?, Latin for “Where are you going?” or from the King James Bible, John 13:36, “Whither goest thou?” This phrase has generally come to represent a reflection on one’s direction or purpose in life. Unlike like some of her paintings, this one didn’t start with a title or a dream but instead, by a personally set goal to create a major work suitable for a big exhibition in Toulon whose entry date was only a month away. It’s worth reading her diary entries below that list her difficulties and persistence on her way to meeting that goal and creating this outstanding painting.
The subject of this painting was inspired by wondering what the future held for the young daughter of the family who had recently moved into the flat/apartment below her own. A real departure from her regular commissioned portraits, this one shows the future possibilities for the life of young Beatrix. On the left lower quarter we have the traditional family with children, above that the Nun’s life of service to the church. We need to bear in mind my mother was living in France which is a predominately Catholic country, so not an uncommon vocation. In the upper right there is the possibility of being a singer or hippie as my mother refers to it and below that the lawyer or “avocate” as the French would call her, represents the professional career option. Finally, all paths lead to the same outcome, that of old age where the image of the old woman is reinforced with the barren landscape and the dead tree as the river of life flows by. I’ll not try to analyze the deliberate and possibly controversial choice of the cross like tree of life that the young girl is seated on but this does work to divide the canvas into the four quadrants. I do like the medieval touch of the archway of the world’s edge across the top of the painting. The whole work reminds me of a computer program I created many years ago in order to demonstrate the interactivity of some 17th century engravings called The Four Seasons that are a housed at the Duke University Medical library. Coincidentally, they depict the development or “ages” of a man and woman compared to the seasons from a medical teaching viewpoint. In the engravings they have the same arch and include the sun and moon in the upper corners, but I know that my mother could not have seen these images.
Diary Entries
| March 9, 1976 | Sat in studio with layout pad and came up with idea for oil painting of Mme Baillet’s small girl in center of large canvas then conflicting possibilities of a girl or the different stages through the life to old age |
| March 12, 1976 | Had a major shop – stocked up on tin food then blocked in canvas roughly in charcoal. |
| March 13, 1976 | All arrangements made with Agnes about collecting little Beatrix fell through as she overslept – however we went in pouring rain at 10:30 and got her. Madame Baillet [grandmother] was lovely & has a lovely house with an enormous garden. Little Beatrix was so good and sweet, took photos but light very bad – charcoaled in. I think it will work. Did a drawing of Agnes playing guitar. |
| March 14, 1976 | Work: charcoal in avocate 2hrs. Tiptoed around so the young didn’t wake below, …. went shopping and collected laundry. Then to work, the enormous canvas over 3ft long & nearly 3ft wide is beginning to look smaller as the figures go in. Made body of child larger and that’s okay but my drawing seems rusty – much trouble getting in figures. Will I ever get it finished in two weeks? Saw Janine she suggested a doctor or avocate (lawyer) for main career figure – openings now in men’s world. How to symbolize the loneliness of old age? |
| March 15, 1976 | Got cracking on work with enthusiasm and nervous knots. Worked on figure of a lawyer from mirror and last night’s dream. |
| March 16, 1976 | Work: 4hrs new canvas. New ideas on painting came – putting the mother figure on grass with young tree and knarled tree beside ‘old age’. I’m getting so obsessed with it, I went downstairs to fetch my rubber gloves and ended up working on it instead. Quite forgetting the original mission. |
| March 17, 1976 | All day with Agnes 4½hrs. Bit of a mixed up day Agnes had the day off work and said she would pose for me – but is so full of ideas that we spent more time on details & arranging them than actually drawing, and she doesn’t have much idea of staying still! Albeit I still managed to get the figures of the nun, hippie, lawyer and mother drawn in with hand details etc.. She really is a sweet person and so full of gaiety. I found I was very rusty after the 6 months of other work – my sense of proportion was way out. I felt v. untogether with it all. |
| March 18, 1976 | Work: 6hrs on canvas. Stage raw umber. Started the day off with a desire to start painting – full of inspiration and knotted attention – but still had the drawing to paint in -to get rid of charcoal and that took me all day though I did a lot of the total blocking in as well. |
| March 19, 1976 | Work: 2hrs. Visitors 6. Got to work, hardly got off the ground because of a stream of visitors! At 3:00 PM Agnes bought little Beatrix and reported that all was joyful again with Pascal – she followed my advice to look pretty and happy. I took out the whole mother group too small and redrew Agnes. |
| March 20, 1976 | Work: 4hrs. Dreamt of putting sun, moon, stars & top of the world on upper part of canvas. Worked like one possessed doing that – miraculous how it took shape but it produced more problems in the lower left quarter. |
| March 21, 1976 | Work: 4½hrs. Got cracking on the canvas – needed simplifying – there’s so much drawing and discarded ideas all over – so launched in with thicker paint on the main part of background figure, surround figures then started to see a pattern emerge – the rainbow over the old lady became a sunset and the rocks and tombstone became a river – the source of life – beneath the mother group – it’s such a strange painting! Song titles drift through my mind along with new ideas ie ‘Stop the world I want to get off’ and ‘There’s a green hill…’ and ‘The long lonely road’ etc. etc.. |
| March 22, 1976 | Work: 7hrs. Launched into work with a will, then found the center area painted yesterday too heavy and gray so… re-painted whole thing which produced problems behind the child’s head – this I solved with clouds – very old fashioned ones – fitting because later her head will be in the clouds. Agnes called to see if I needed her, but had too many background problems. And she brought up two hippie, real layabout types who are staying with her for a week, she is so proud of me and my work – most touching. Was so depressed with painting after 7 hours hard work, I took it to Pandora. She had several useful suggestions to make. Mme. Pelhate wants her child’s portrait done now repayment of my debt. |
| March 23, 1976 | Work: 5hrs with Agnes and Beatrix. A really God-given day – first the sunshine (necessary for painting light) secondly the drive & getting Agnes on time went smoothly, and thirdly the dear little soul sat like an angel – at one point she even kept her eyebrows raised on command! Lastly – my God given gift for portraits & paint hasn’t left me – incredibly I had the face painted in and the likeness in only 1½ hours! I was so surprised and happy! The afternoon didn’t go as well – not surprisingly – yesterday was a tiring stint, & Agnes was miz. The 2 guests were leading Pascal astray – not going to work this a.m. and 5 Pastis before lunch. Happily the local drug dealer is away, she said or it would be that as well. |
| March 24, 1976 | Work: 4½hrs. A day and a night best forgotten. Changed the center background again having first removed paint with terps. Couldn’t decide on lower color – tried several ideas and made a mess – worked on dress of child, but badly. Agnes called up that she had made a hot meal and vegged lunch for four, and nobody had turned up, would I eat with her? Do me good, she said, a mistake though – because afterwards the problem on the canvas still remained, and reduced me to tears of frustration which led to thinking I was wasting my time with it anyway – which in turn led me to a lot of miserable things then the usual thoughts of suicide. |
| March 25, 1976 | Work: 5½hrs with model. All set to work on my model Agnes v. thick eyes, but cheerful enough (me). But she had forgotten and slept until 11:00 AM! That in spite of the noise I made after 10. So she arrived – but so did Margie, needing aluminium frame. Got all hot and bothered because of limited time with Agnes but worked it out with Margie. Agnes came back in pm to pose – then we saw Chris Austin out of the window and he and his girlfriend came up and had a glass of wine. Back to work, then Pascal came and viewed it. Forgot Kathleen came after 20 minutes painting this am. Couldn’t win at all! |
| March 26, 1976 | 15th day on this canvas! Work: 5½hrs, 60½hrs total. Nothing like having to talk French before one’s early morning cuppa! Agnes was up washing dishes before me then she did some shopping for me – then posed for the mother portrait. Leneca bought young Ben to see ‘the work’. Her comments very helpful on the work – says, I’ve lost the medieval touch and modernized it. More important those dreadful suicidal depressions are physical – the dreaded menopause goes on for ages after periods stop. There are pills to counteract – this is all great news. First Siesta today this week. Then more work, I think I now see how to make it all more harmonizing, and pull the whole thing together. After writing this was on my way to bed when I heard terrible weeping sounds from below. It was Agnes – alone and nearly hysterical. I bought her upstairs for the night, bed at 1:30 AM. |
| March 27, 1976 | Work: 3½hrs. Last night I made Agnes a warm nightcap milk whiskey and honey and let her talk out all the misery. Poor dear she had been to Pascal’s mother who had been tough and unhelpful and she had not wanted to bother me again. She was gay enough today, washed up for me went shopping. Then posed again for the hippie and avocate. She went below for the guitar. The layabouts were still sleeping and hadn’t left. And just when finishing something nice happened to the painting – sunrise! |
| March 29, 1976 | Work: 5½hrs on Quo Vadis? But as AM progressed I nearly went crackers with a thump thump thump of guitar being played at the open window downstairs. I couldn’t concentrate – and I’m ashamed to write that I thumped back and then put on music loudly on stairs only to find out when Agnes came back that it was Angel who was playing and Pascal didn’t go to work. I shall either have to work upstairs or get used to the noise – the transistor [radio] opposite is too loud also but none of it clearly and properly heard that’s what’s annoying. Oh dear must get on a higher mental plane. Work went well in PM until 7:30. |
| March 30, 1976 | Work: 3hrs. An hilarious day. Agnes overslept, but I took her and Angels for a picnic at the lake after having painted the child’s hair and made the odd alteration. A late lunch and straight back to work just before leaving to collect Agnes and Angel from the lake. Following my idea ‘if you can’t fight them join them’ I joined them below for guitar playing session and bubbly until midnight – my dear Agnes is no singer and they murdered song after song! Fun though. |
| March 31, 1976 | Work: 4hrs. Was in a dreamy tired state – most untogether when Agnes called – bless her she did my shopping for me – then I drove her and Angels to Mons – back at 11:30 AM then worked until one. Started & finished portrait of the old lady – lunch then back to work – reached the usual mid afternoon depression… ‘no point in killing yourself to finish a painting that Toulon won’t accept – forget it enjoy the warm sun…’ etc. Off to PO to send my rent special delivery. Tea & great studying of painting upstairs… and hope came… Changed the sky last of that horrible blue – TM – more painting. Then more studying upstairs, and now I really think it’s coming – that I can pull it off!! |
| April 1, 1976 | Work: 8hrs. To think, today nearly meant shop-keeping from here on in – oh happy escape! Instead I’m creating – or trying to… Worked early and well until late lunch time. Worked on late – showed the Longueville’s the painting from the window. Thumbs up and kiss from the L’s helped my morale a lot. |
| April 2, 1976 | Work: 5½hrs, 90 hours total. Strange night – first half I was painting. 2nd half I was in a cancer hospital – all too realistic. To work in a more centered frame of mind, no feelings of aggression as yesterday. Felt enormous pleasure (though with a beating heart) putting in top of the cross in a v. symbolic branch fashion I enjoyed it! Forced myself to get on with mother group miserably. Pandora came and said she had been thinking of the mother pose – mine was all wrong, didn’t like my tree of life cross – tant pis! – I do. Worked on a compromise of mother position. Margie came with the worst canvas board, wish she’d use a real canvas – she liked what was happening to my painting. Had tea. |
| April 3, 1976 | Work: 2hrs. For the first time when I saw the canvas I really liked it! So much so my nerves started acting up as if something really important was going to happen. Did some good painting on the little boots of Beatrix. My eyes v. tired though and itchy. But my dear Agnes overslept and didn’t turn up for modeling the mother figure. PM into Cannes with Pandora – Sunnybank Hospital sale. |
| April 4, 1976 | Work: 6hrs with Agnes. Terribly tired, but up early and set for work – my dear Agnes didn’t show up until 11:00 AM but I had studio rearranged and paint mixed and it didn’t take long to get the mother figure right with A. sitting on chest and light in proper position. Had sandwich and back to work and confessions from Agnes of jealousy which she knows is stupid. Says they would be so happy if I use the ‘tu’ form of address, I got so that I was talking to myself in French. Finished work at 7:30 PM and after doing three days washing up and brushes literally crawled to bed. |
| April 5, 1976 | Work: 8hrs 24th day. Oh dear – it feels like Lumbago! v. painful back must be from Pandora’s car window and getting hot and cold wind in Cannes. Put deep heat ointment on and rubbed. Anyway started work with the big long list written last evening after careful study of things to be done. V. helpful – also watching the sunrise refreshed by memory of sunsets so the old ladies landscape came off, with her knarled tree partly in mist. Mme. Baillet came to see it and couldn’t get over the likeness to her little Beatrix. Sandwich – more work, then to PO for money. |
| April 6, 1976 | Work: 5hrs. FINISHED PAINTING after 110 hours! At 4:00 PM. Put Daisy in for overhaul – awful drive there in rain with no breaks – walk back….. Then home to work the final day. Hobbled about a bit with still painful back. Quick lunch and back to last details. Didn’t like the baby, but didn’t know what to do about it. Extra-ordinary lack of exhilaration when I found I’d finished at 4:00 PM. Agnes was thrilled though and checked it over carefully for small details. |
| April 7, 1976 | Polaroid insert of Quo Vadis? 100x81cm 39″ x 32″ 110hrs (Toulon Price: 3.500 francs) Took photos. |
| April 9, 1976 | Margie came – said painting got to Toulon [exhibition] OK but I must write re Draguignan [exhibition]. |
| May 20, 1976 | At last – the news from Toulon my painting ‘Quo Vadis?’ has been accepted!! |
| July 24, 1976 | Great excitement a photo of Quo Vadis? was in the Var Matin – only one or three! So knobs to the jury! Also inscription read Christine Benson from Fayence – nice. |
| August 5, 1976 | Unhappy news that Quo Vadis? has gone back to Toulon from Draguignan- damn it. That’s going to cost me. |
| August 28, 1976 | Was woken from siesta by the man bringing back Quo Vadis? from Toulon 27F. |
Supporting material
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